Self Pity

There,  I said it: Self pity. My least favorite disease. The one I despise in others that seems to consume me. The problem is that I have enough pride to remain in denial of my faults and limitations. I have a hard time admitting that there are things about me I cannot fix. I always seem to find an excuse or someone to blame for my failures. I have yet to own them. And because it is never my fault, I am also incapable of overcoming my shortcomings or trying again. I need to stop letting failure define how I operate.

If you had asked me earlier if I lived out of failure I would have probably said no, although inside I knew that it wasn’t the whole truth. There is no logical reason that I can move forward and I have been stuck in a dead end. It only has been through heaven’s light I can see that through Christ I can overcome. I can succeed. I am not a failure and I do have hope. I can get back in the game, and not be overtaken by discouragement.

 

 

Things I like

I could say things I love, but I would just have a list of names. I am learning to love people and not things. Not that saying  you love something is bad–its all semantics, but I am only saying I like things in order to remind myself that things are temporary and people, well, only people really matter, not things.So here are some things I like:

Coffee–pretty much any good quality coffee (The cheap canned stuff is uck, unless you load it with cream and sugar, and then it doesn’t taste like coffee anymore–not that it did to begin with.)–black or with cream (not creamer, unless its a fancy flavored one–whole milk is good also). Especially loved the Vienna Creames you could get at PJ’s when we had a PJ’s in Augusta: cold drip with frothed milk and just enough raw sugar to tickle the taste buds. I don’t usually take sugar in my coffee but that was good drinking.

Wet, gray, days in December, when it is not too cold and the trees are still shedding their last leaves.

Fat babies, especially my own, with chubby cheeks and soft skin.

Playing cards and other games with my husband–spending time with my husband doing anything.

Sitting around a campfire with a guitar and hot cider and friends–or just my husband. (Not that I can play guitar, cuz i can’t, but I want to learn.)

Music. Playing music. Singing. Listening to good music. Studying music. I like music.

Good art.  Art museums. Drawing and Painting. (Not that I’m good at it either or studying it, but I enjoy sketching and want to learn more)

Architecture and photography. Want to do that too.

Men’s clothing.  I like seeing well dressed men, not prissy and fashionable, or glitzy or appearing to try to hard, but I like the idea of menswear. It is mostly straightforward, makes men look good without trying to attract attention and it isn’t fussy. I wish women’swear was so easy. Its also a huge turn on when my husband dresses up.

I like mud on the tires of big trucks.

I like to play football…not that I’m any good.

I like learning new skills.

I like baking bread. It is a new passion of mine. I like sourdough.com. I don’t like all the junk they put in bread from the store–have you ever read the ingredients?? Its like a mile long!

As the Lindt commercial says, I dream in chocolate. Dark chocolate.

I like to play in the rain. Especially if it is a huge downpour on a summer day.

I like pearls. Lots and lots. They are so beautiful.

I like lingerie.

I like four legged furry things. All except for mice and rats and other weird ones. Although I do like gerbils which are a lot like mice, but a whole lot cuter. I especially like horses and cows and dogs and cats and I even like lizards and snakes–not furry but cute.

I like good movies and books. Especially good books that are made into good movies.

The beach at night.

The mountains.

Being outdoors in general, unless it is too cold.

The smell of clothes fresh off the line.

Flowers and early summer.

Christmas greenery.

Well these are some of the things that I like.

 

 

 

 

 

Ghosts of Winter

I have twenty pieces of silverware, a bowl full of potato peelings and other trash, a bowl that has crusty bits of bread dough, a yucky scrub brush and untold number of bits of chewed up, shredded, soapy food and debris in my sink. The counter has flour, dirty utensils, papers, books, hair bows, one half eaten red velvet cake, and an empty beer bottle or two. The floor has been halfway mopped. The once bright blue carpet under my table is littered with crumbs and dirt and ground in bits of sticky rice. It is raining outside, gray, but not cold on this mid-December morning, and the squirrels are chasing each other in the oak trees, the pine trees, and the one dead walnut tree outside the kitchen windows.The children are at their Grandmother’s, and the baby is sleeping in my arms.  I sit on my couch and wonder where all the cars are headed as they pass my house whooshing loudly on the wet pavement. Why are they going? It seems that each one is being chased by some invisible ghost, telling them to be more, do more, have more. I know, because I have been there and done that. I know there are legitimate reasons to be out and about, but what is truly legit? Jesus commended Mary for doing the one thing truly necessary–sitting at his feet; listening to him. What am I doing? Am I sitting at his feet, am I listening, hanging onto every word out of his mouth? We are encouraged to give up the unimportant for the important, yet Jesus was commending Mary for giving up the important things; the “preparations that HAD to be made.”  (my paraphrase). There is never enough time to do all the things that must be done, especially with 3 pre-school children. I think God intended it so that I am forced to prioritize, and to realize all things are a loss compared to the richness of knowing Christ, my Lord.

Life, Love, and Christmas Trees

My life as I knew it was officially over as of Wednesday.  It was not as horrible as I thought it might be. Why? Because I know the one who holds all the stars (and the whole world) in His hands. He provided me with grace for the moment. Just enough to get me through each moment, while the world around me was falling to pieces…no wait, the world around me was fine. It was me who was falling to pieces. I think in analogies so I can explain it in this way: A tree is strong and can weather anything. It can be battered about, blown around and can take a lot of strain. Then it only takes a couple well placed chops to knock the whole thing down. Kaboom.  But it is very interesting when you discover that the tree was an artificial tree to start with; so it has no root. Dead. Dead tree. Never was alive tree–Yipee! So now the fake tree has been chopped down, and now we have to figure out what to do next.  Well I’ve gotten halfway there.  I know what I need to do. I have yet to finish doing it. It will probably take a life time.

Have you ever been in love? Real love? Real “I’m going to walk through hot coals for you,” kind of love? I am not talking about the kind of love you feel for someone when you make love, or the “I like you, do you like me?” kind either. The kind that says “I will go to the ends of the earth to find you,” –and then actually does it. The kind of love that lays down its life for a friend.  That, my friends is the only kind of love worth having. Really worth having. If you can find that, you have found life. Until you have been loved like that…where you have been seen, scars, warts and all, and still been loved, I don’t think you know love at all.  You have only seen an imposter. And even better is to be given the chance to love like that. Only it is not possible to love like that until you have been loved like that… at least I think that’s how it works–there are a lot of things thought I knew about…apparently I don’t.

xoxo

CountryGirl

Good Morning!

Although it isn’t actually morning, I figured this would be a good way to start a new blog. This is a first blog for me so bear with me, all you highly experienced and expert bloggers, and leave a little of your expertise in my comment box–it’s the beautiful, highly polished, exotic wood box gracing my sideboard–oh you don’t see it? Hmm… it must be around here some where, along with my matching ornate candle sticks…Oh well, just write something at the bottom of this post that will help me get this thing off the ground.

I think that I don’t want to bore you with long boring posts that go on and on and on and that are very wordy and full of words and/or redundancies that repeat themselves so I will cut this off and end here and say again, Hello blogiverse!!